January 1 through May 31,2006 Archives

I am a happily married heterosexual man. Recently I received a homo-erotic postcard from a male friend. He signed a different name but I noticed the postmark was from a country he just visited.  When I asked, he acknowledged he was indeed the sender. He tried to make light of it, and I pretended I thought it was funny.  But in actuality I suspect his claim it was a joke was a way to cover his pain and embarrassment over my lack of interest.  I am now seeing past comments of his in a very different light (such as his queries about the annual camping trip I take with some buddies). My wife is hopeful we can all remain friends (he is married too, just as the Brokeback cowboys were).  Do you have any advice on how to deal with this delicate situation?
A manly man, not a man's man

Dear Mr. Man:
Mr. Milo is unsure which portion of the letter should be addressed: The pretense of a wife writing about an issue more appropriately left to her husband or the need to speak up when an uncomfortable situation arises between friends.  Either way, the situation is only delicate if the writer fears that confrontation could result in only god-knows what.   Let’s deal with the latter - how to approach the insensitive friend.

Delicate?  If these remarks have previously gone unanswered, how then is your friend to be aware that his comments are unwelcome?  Speaking frankly about your feelings to this person is likely a reasonable approach if you wish the behavior to cease.  One can be polite and still get one’s point across.

As an aside, Mr. Milo cannot help but wonder, on these annual camping trips with the boys, do these gentlemen all share the same tent?

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Restaurants of all types are expected serve meals to all those seated within the space of a few minutes.  If feasible, a change in restaurants to one more able to serve those seated at the same time might resolve the problem.

Mr. Milo notes that if you raise your fork first at one of these lunches, it may be for your last tine.

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Dear Mama:
Children watch and learn from their parents, thus modeling desired behavior is absolutely key to helping children learn to solve their own problems as they grow.  Ultimately it will be their own experience that provides the lessons.

For example, should Mama wish to teach her children the Eighth Commandment - “Thou shall not steal”, she would want to model that behavior so that her children would realize the impropriety of not taking something that is not theirs.  Now lets go back to Mama’s letter - she states “Too often we give...problems to solve”.  Mama uses these words as if they are her own, yet these words are taken word-for-word from anthropologist and author Roger Lewin.  

Perhaps absolution is possible if Mama uses this example to teach her children that plagiarism is wrong.   For her transgression, a confessional visit to her parish priest might be warranted, followed by the customary number of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.

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Second, be assured that orchids are relatively easy to grow and care for - in fact they seem to do well when neglected somewhat.   For an excellent site, that is sufficiently comprehensive to negate the need to take any classes, access the Orchid link within the Plant Parenthood Federation of America website and you will be on your way to turning over a new leaf.

Dear Questioning:
Sobiteme’s crowning achievement is the Classic Zen four sided Sand Garden.  Today, some consider his work to be primitive, but its simplicity draws in even the very young who seem to have an instinctive attraction to this design.  In addition to children,  Sobiteme's work is a magnet for our feline companions where they are apt to conduct a business most feculent.

Sobiteme's Crowning Achievement

In this situation Mr. Milo recommends a Raked Zen Sand Garden designed by Kuso Katnoshito.  Striking in its elegance, his pleasing designs provide veiled locations in which one can place small amounts of napeta cataria.  

Upon investigating, our feline friends become inebriated from napeta’s aromatic oils and stagger off to distant locations negating the need to deal with feline ejecta.

If your neighbor can retrofit his garden to incorporate key aspects of the Katnoshito plan, your problem may be solved.

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Dear Mr. Fetters:
Mr. Milo is a firm believer in the Rapture and is also an active participant in the Rapture Calculation Collective (RCC).  Latest estimates from the RCC point to a date range between July 2, 2012 and July 8, 2012 for this event.  Critics of the RCC incorrectly use Whole Numbers in their formulae - which is one reason their results don’t add up.  As one would expect, RCC calculations use only Irrational Numbers.

                                 

Despite these discussions of royalty, it is Mr. Milo’s desire that your Garden Island visit be reign free.

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Dear Mr. Cohen:
Mr. Milo is well aware of the circuitous question posed by Mr. Cohen.  Unfortunately, the two interns handling your request were not so aware, inputting your query through both of our recently refurbished HAL 9000 computers.  The resulting endless logistical loop overheated these machines, frying two motherboards and forcing us to invoke less efficient back up systems. 

Since the question can be inconclusively argued from several points of view one wonders 1) Does it matter if there is a god? and 2) Would such a god be all knowing and all powerful?   Even Mr. Milo can’t answer those questions.   

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Surprisingly, the Official White House Web Site is quite open about her extraterrestrial origins.   Condoleezza is displeased that there are those who question her patriotism simply because she was born on another planet.   Worn out from endless questioning of her loyalty, a fried Rice has since refused to be interrogated further on the subject.   In fact, Rice was steaming when approached by researchers from Ask Mr. Milo and declined to give us a statement.

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No further questions.
Guy Johnson

Dear Mr. Johnson:
It should be no surprise that the subject matter for letters submitted immediately prior to and after the Academy Awards were related to the cinematic arts, for this is when interest in film is at a peak. 

Mr. Milo believes it may be a bit premature to refer to others in the Ask Mr. Milo community as simpletons - at least until Mr. Johnson learns that the word “intelligent” is not spelled “intellegent”.  Should you need assistance to invoke the embedded spell check functionality in either your word processing or email programs, please contact Ask Mr. Milo and a staff member will be pleased to assist you.  Had Mr. Johnson subscribed to “US” magazine he would know that Gene Siskel died in 1999 and the program referenced is today called Ebert & Roeper.  

Mr. Milo appreciates the overall concerns so eloquently stated in Mr. Johnson’s letter.  The Letters Column will continue to reflect the diverse individual queries related to personal and/or business matters, as well as the events of the day.  Mr. Johnson’s enthusiastic participation in those debates is warmly encouraged.

Dear Annoyed -
Mr. Milo agrees with Annoyed.   With six Oscar nominations it certainly made a dent in the competition -  demonstrating that Crash winning Best Picture was no accident.

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Tea'd off
February 22, 2006
Dear Mr. Milo:
My husband and I gave a small dinner party last night.  I am afraid I made an egregious faux pas and am wondering how to make amends. One of the guests shared a dream (really that he recently had many dreams).  Everyone was silent, and seeking to break the ice, I said, "Thank you for sharing."  The guest thought I was mocking him and commented that he thought it was a safe environment in which to share but apparently not.

I tried to reassure him that I was sincere, but my attempts fell flat. To tell the truth, perhaps unconsciously my comment was not as sincere as I hoped. I was still stinging from a comment the same guest made earlier in the evening making fun of the serving container in which I displayed choices for the evening tea.   Although the container was not an expensive one, it was a perfectly good one, and the comment hurt me deeply.

But I don't want a shadow cast across our friendship. What should I do?
Trisha
Brentwood, CA

Dear Trisha:
Your egregious faux pas is nothing in comparison to your guest’s inappropriate comment on the container used to hold your various teas offered for guest selection - unless of course the container was a shoe box.  If that is the case, then the shame belongs to you and you alone.   Shoeboxes are unacceptable containers in which to offer guests a selection of after dinner teas.   One can only hope that there were no Englishmen present or the shame would be of such magnitude that Mr. Milo wonders aloud if there could be anything worse that could befall a hostess.

Tea chests need not be expensive - one is illustrated below. These  range between $14 and $35 depending on whether wood, plastic or metal.  Utilizing such a serving option will allow your dinner guests a more pleasant tea selecting experience and  dear Trisha will be confident knowing her mode of selection will please even the most discerning of guests.

Of course another option would be to offer coffee to your guests, but it is likely that Trisha already knows that coffee is not everyone’s cup of tea.

                     

Dear Tight:
Mr. Milo remains puzzled as to the reason Tight Situation  jogged while ensconced in nylon.  The decision to not jog in this manner will likely prevent unnecessary chaffing as well as 2^nd or 3^rd degree burns, not to mention that smoldering pantyhose is probably associated with a most unpleasant odor.

Your question has arrived at an opportune moment as this column’s editor is drafting a book entitled:  “Mr. Milo’s Bullet Points to Healthy Living”.  The “Guide” will be available on this website as each chapter is completed.   Contrary to books on similar subjects, Mr. Milo will not repeat ad nauseam the same information throughout.   Mr. Milo is confident readers will fully comprehend each chapter and need only re-read the bullet points on an as needed basis.   

Here is a preview for this topic:

1. Consume less calories than is required to maintain your current weight, if you wish to lose weight.
2. Exercise every day for 20 to 30 minutes.  
3. Use common sense - do not engage in activities if you believe you are at risk for injury.
4. Eat a variety of food products with a emphasis on fresh foods, minimizing red meat
5. When possible, avoid prepared products such as colas and fast food
6. Make changes slowly, but methodically.
7. Keep a diary to record your progress
8. Seek competent medical advice on a regular basis if you have known risks to bullets one and two.

Following these points with an emphasis on the first three bullets generally yields the desired results.  Making changes slowly and methodically is Mr. Milo’s method.  There is no magic bullet. 

Mr. Milo wishes the writer his best on this most challenging of endeavors.

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Dear Still:
The writer is reminded that we live in a polite society.  If one wishes to request entrance through the back door, the proper procedure is to knock first.  Alternatively, you may wish to avail yourself of the doorbell, if you have knowledge of its location. Knocking or taking advantage of the doorbell does not guarantee admittance.

If the back door remains locked or unanswered, the writer may need to resort to making an appearance at the front or main entrance, if that option is even viable at this point.

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Dear Ms. Not Yet:
The few rogue hairs should not be an issue to most men as they generally focus on other physical attributes of the female H. Sapiens.   Felt tip pens are potentially toxic, so it pleases Mr. Milo to know that the writer has abandoned that practice, although Mr. Milo acknowledges the effort as a "good try."

Dear Suffering:
Caninus foetidus (Stinky Dog Syndrome) is not an uncommon occurrence.  Mr. Milo suggests taking Sophie to the vet for a complete nose to tail medical exam to discern if there is a correctable medical origin to Sophie’s malodorous condition.  Some causes of bad doggy smell are:  Infected ears, anal sac excretions, skin infections and diseases of the oral cavity.

Recently one of Mr. Milo’s canine companions exhibited caninus foetidus which resolved after a root canal was performed on a badly infected tooth.  Nose clips may provide temporary relief to the writer although Mr. Milo admits to having no personal experience with these products and cannot vouch for their efficacy.