Ask Mr. Milo Letters Archive June through December 2006

Is it the same as the vomitorium at Oktoberfest in Germany? Where is it located in Monster Park in case I need it next time?
Thanks,
B. Butch Diesel

Prior to his next seating at Monster Park, the writer is advised to locate one of the many men’s restrooms outside of the closest vomitory if he anticipates requesting an audience with the Duke of Hurl.

Dear Mrs. Wrend:
The vexing subject of butter slicing has previously been milked for all its worth, yet a recap is warranted as the issue continues to be a source of matrimonial strife.

Butter is properly served in a rectangular tray designed for that purpose. A butter knife is used to apportion the amount of butter to be served to one's self. The accepted practice is to slice a pat of butter, approximately ¼ inch thick and to place it on one's bread plate. At no time should the butter knife ever be used to apply butter to a roll or piece of bread, as this utensil is for slicing butter only.

Most males are able to learn proper butter slicing technique under the direct supervision of a trained professional. Unfortunately, there are those males that face more difficulty – interestingly, these individuals are often of Norwegian descent. Their Viking ancestors were notorious for using large utensils to carve butter in huge non-uniform slices or chunks. Today, the genetic hard wiring inherited from their forbearers makes it difficult and it some cases impossible for them to construct neat butter serving pats.

Such individuals should not be traumatized by being forced to conform to modern society’s butter slicing norms. If precise butter pat slicing had been a prerequisite for spousal selection, perhaps a better choice might have been to opt for a mate that has exceptional coordination, such as an eye surgeon. These individuals will have no problem slicing uniform butter pats under even the most demanding of situations.

Given that you are already married, a potential solution is for your spousal unit to have his own covered butter serving plate. Such items may be purchased in the house wares section of most hardware stores. They are quite inexpensive and if the cover is opaque, the disfigured butter stick will be invisible to others.

Mr. Milo expresses his best wishes to any household dealing with this dreadful dilemma and hopes that the butter question has, once and for all, been clarified.

Dear Mr. Martin:
Detroit Manager Leyland balked when asked this question by our staff, knowing that he ignored a Cardinal rule of baseball World Series play when down 3-1. Although a great team, the Tigers took such a cleaning that in Detroit, the game is now known as Bathe Ball. Had there been a game six, the final result may have been more fortuitous for the Tigers, as it would have been played in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.

That the governor would call your home, not answer any of your questions, nor even acknowledge that you had spoken is reprehensible. Mr. Schwarzenegger makes many calls each day and thus he has little incentive in slowing the process down by speaking with common citizens. He may also need an amplifier if his non-responsiveness on the phone is due to severe hearing loss from decades of steroid abuse.

When the next politician calls your home, Undecided is urged to speak very loudly and if such candidates do not respond, to simply hang up.

Mr. Milo has found no compelling reason to recommend a vote for the current California governor. Although Schwarzenegger has regained some popularity at the moment, if he returns to his swaggering adversarial ways of last year, he may face a Total Recall .

Dear Bobby:
It is highly undesirable to subject your pet to the poor conditions found in the cargo hold of commercial jets – conditions that most humans would find more than objectionable. Although not completely accurate, airline reported pet death statistics can be found at Animal Airline Incident Reports.

In addition to conferring with your dog’s veterinarian, the Humane Society and the ASPCA also provide tips for safe pet air travel, if such transportation must be entertained. A safer choice would be to have your canine companion stay with a friend who can provide proper supervision during your absence. The latter will ensure that your doggie friend remains the scenter of your attention.

Dear Mr. Striker:
Per the U.S. Department of Transportation’s Bureau of Transportation Statistics: “Departure performance is based on departure from the gate. Arrival performance is based on arrival at the gate.” Using that standard, the writer experienced an On-Time Departure which was reflected on the websites accessed.

Gates must be readied for the next arriving flight, so it is rare for a flight to return unless there is a mechanical problem. Once the plane leaves the gate, it is generally a runway street to its destination. To cope with O’Hare’s long and frustrating delays, it may be best to check one’s suitcases and consider leaving your emotional baggage at home.

The mother replied that her daughter had found some men's plaid shorts she liked and didn't think anyone should feel bothered, adding that if she didn't feel her daughter was safe, she wouldn't allow her to use the room. My spouse replied she was missing the point.

How would this woman and her family react if her daughter was in a women's changing area and my husband decided to enter the area and try on men’s clothing? We are interested in what stance Mr. Milo would take in this situation.
Short Changed in Dublin

Dear Short Changed:
Several men of the cloth were asked this question and each affirmed that separate dressing areas for men and women are required to avoid the risk of impropriety.

This risk was validated when Mr. Milo’s staff conducted a survey of men at Macy’s, Nordstrom’s and the Gap, asking if it was appropriate for teenage girls to try on clothing in the men’s dressing rooms. All fifty eight male respondents were not only willing to share their changing area with teenage girls, they unanimously agreed that such behavior should be encouraged.

Mr. Milo believes that if dressing rooms are to be co-ed, then there must be direct and constant store supervision of the fitting areas to avoid any clothes calls that could lead to a laundry list of problems.

After being forced from Neverland Ranch, he started an auto upholstery chain in Sylmar, California with an orangutan named Spencer. After selling his monkey business, Bubbles made a fortune selling his Rhesus Peanut Butter Cup recipe to Hershey’s along with an improved koko manufacturing process. Those familiar with adhesives may be also be aware that he developed the original formula for Gorilla Glue.

As he settled in to a comfortable middle class life, Bubbles had kept in good physical shape, but recently he has become something of a couch potato and his weight has subsequently ballooned. Socially he was gibbon to telling funny stories and after a few drinks was said to be quite the howler.

Dear M. Pete:
Although Mr. Milo generally prefers not to answer etymologic questions due to the availability of satisfactory internet references, this being a slow week due to the Labor Day holiday, the question will be entertained.

It might be of great comfit to state that M. Carême is the source for the word caramel. Unfortunately, Mr. Milo must inform you that the origin of the word caramel pre-dates “Le Grand Chef” by many hundreds of years. The confusion is partly due to a well known song honoring his culinary education in the southern

United States

. For a period of time, it was the state song of Virginia, but was demoted to State Song Emeritus due to its romanticized references to slavery.

Dear Cialde:
There are several superb bakeries in the greater San Ramon Valley. A Sweet Affair at 1815 Ignacio Valley Road in Walnut Creek is an excellent all around bakery with a wide selection of breads and desserts. They also have a small satellite bakery in Alamo Plaza with the same name. Sunrise Bakery off of California Street, also in Walnut Creek is acceptable, but not in the same league as A Sweet Affair.

Either of these choices should provide the reader with an adequate place to satisfy their unmet bakery kneads.

Dear Mr. Kent:
The Milo Cigarette Company was founded by Mr. Milo’s great, great uncle in the late 1890s. These cigarettes quickly became affectionately known as Milo's. Their exceptional smoothness made them best sellers up until the late 1920s. Paradoxically, these cigarettes had no ill health effects associated with them. Their mild nicotine content was sufficient to satisfy most smokers’ fondness for an after dinner smoke yet was not sufficient to be addictive. The natural tobaccos used in Milo's were later found to be high in free radical scavenging anti-oxidants. Positive health attributes from smoking Milo's were due to the delivery of these antioxidants directly into the blood stream through the lungs.

Additionally, smoke from Milo's delivered high quantities of the aerosolized vitamins B-12, Niacin and Riboflavin as well as high octane bioflavonoids and omega-3 fatty acids. Long term smokers of Milo's were found to have improved cardiac function and benefited greatly from Milo's protective effect on the lung and liver. Smokers of Milo Cigarettes found that the health of those around them also improved – there were no ill effects from Milo's 2^nd hand smoke. Milo smokers suffered none of the problems of nicotine stained fingers, coughing fits or even the stale cigarette odor associated with today’s tobacco products.

Unfortunately, the Milo Cigarette Company was bought out in a hostile take over by RJ Reynolds in the 1930’s. After the take over, RJ Reynolds discontinued the manufacturing of Milo's as it was their main competitor to Camel cigarettes. This was a true loss for smokers world-wide.

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Some questions are answered on the fly
July 29, 2006
Dear Mr. Milo:
Where do flies go at night? When flies are trapped in our home, they seem to gravitate towards the window screens after awhile, as if they long to go somewhere. We have pets and flies attracted to their waste can be seen in the yard, but at night or early in the morning these disgusting insects are nowhere to be found. The web searches I have done do not address my question. Nor was I able to find out much about their daily lives.
Warren Maggit

Dear Warren:
House flies (Musca domestica) are communal beings strongly associated with rotting food and fecal waste. The fly social hierarchy is fairly loose except for their deference to what they call the Lord of the Flies.

Residentially, their unpretentious homes are inconspicuously found near the tops of exterior walls, tree trunks and other structures. Fly homes are surprisingly clean and uncluttered. Male flies return to their homes each evening after a day of recycling food to regurgitate the day’s gleanings for the family dinner.

Fly parents share many of the same problems as their human counterparts. For example, teenage females – fly girls – tend to stay out late, frequenting drinking establishments. Those individuals are more commonly known as barflies. Fishermen are not fond of these, preferring to use the more dependable dry flies. Being competitive, fisherman commonly check out other fishermen’s flies. Those that are fixated on this behavior are sometimes called fruit flies. Drug addiction in flies is not uncommon with those using certain drugs being known as Blow Flies.

Black flies are found abundantly in the mid-west where natives to these states haven given them the name SuperFly. These insects have even affected baseball, where out of respect for the species players are not allowed to swat these insects within the four bases, this now being known as the In-field Fly Rule.

For complete information about these fascinating insects readers are referred to a hardware store where they can pick up a Fly Paper.

Dear Ms. Camay:
Partially used soap bars are referred to as “soap scraps” by the hotel industry. Outside of the

United States

, large hotel chains have recycled their soap scraps for decades using commercial equipment for that purpose. The left over soap bars are placed in the recycler where they are rinsed with hot water to remove hair and other unwanted surface debris. The cleansed bars are then moved to a heating vat where the remnants are liquefied. Bleaching and coloring agents are then added along with fragrance. The liquid is poured into molds, cooled, wrapped and placed back into the supply closets to see renewed use by hotel guests.

A Canadian company is cleaning up making laundry soap, as well as an all purpose household cleanser, using hotel soap scraps from 5212 hotel rooms in the Greater Victoria BC area. Should you be interested in obtaining these products, contact Buffalo Recycle. If the need is urgent you can give them a foam call (250-598-1163).

Dear Zigszter:
The sign illustrated above is one of many delineating different bicycle routes throughout San Francisco. To obtain a map of all of the San Francisco bicycle routes, go to SF Bicycles. Scroll down to the Contact Us section and use the general email address to make your request. In addition to providing your name and mailing address, if you indicate that your request is an Ask Mr. Milo referral, the Acting Bicycle Program Director has assured me that their department will honor those requests without charge. If the request is time urgent, one may purchase the identical map for approximately $ 3.50 at many bicycle shops in San Francisco.

For more information on the actual signage itself, the reader is directed to San Francisco’s Bicycle Signage Document. Signage examples begin on Page 7. The signage model created by the City and County of San Francisco is being adopted as a standard by other cities, counties and states with each using a different symbol at the sign’s topmost section.

Mr. Milo thanks the writer for pedaling his question to the Web’s Premier Source for Guidance on both Personal and Business Matters.

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Should I actively look, reflecting a path of Western tradition, religion and culture or should I assume the One Buddha nature and let the parking spot find me?

"To run from your demon is to have him pursue you. Better to advance to meet your demon in his world than have him pursue you into yours." - Master Po

“The best charioteers do not push ahead. The best fighters do not make displays of anger. The wisest antagonist is he who wins without engaging in battle.” - Master Kahn