2005 Archives
December 21, 2005
Canine Visitation
Dear
Mr. Milo:
My husband and I have recently separated and I find myself
absolutely bereft re: his dog. She has been in my life for 4+ years and I am
quite attached to her. I have told him that I can never see her again (because
it far too emotional for me, knowing that our lives have changed
dramatically).
Is it fair to do this to a wonderful pet? Do dogs really
care about the #2 or 3 people in their lives (her Master is absolutely devoted
to her)?
I don't want to complicate the situation and he has not offered
any suggestions - simply "crawled" out of my life.
Since you are an
expert at all things canine, I defer to you and will follow your advice.
Grieving
Dear Grieving
-
It is Mr.
Milo’s experience that dogs do care about the number two and number three people
in their lives and it is most probable that the dog in question would be more
than happy to see the writer. Since our canine friends are unable to change
their fates, it is up to humans to work out these differences, if that is even
possible. Per your letter, it is difficult to find a solution since you do
not wish to see the dog's master due to the emotional pain associated with such
contact. In this case, it seems as if the matter is less about what is fair
for the dog and more about what is acceptable to the writer in order to obtain
canine visitation.
Mr. Milo expresses his
sorrow about your marriage and wishes that he had more concrete suggestions to
assist you in resolving your dilemma.
December 20,
2005
Canine Odor
Dear Mr. Milo:
I live in a fart
friendly home. All family members, including our dogs, are encouraged to fart
freely, as long as they own up to their gasser. Sometimes, when they cut the
cheese, we have no way of knowing who is the responsible pooch. We have a
flatulence identification problem! Do you know if there are any attachments
that we could strap on our dogs to produce a sound when they cut one? Thank you
in advance for you help.
Dear The:
Although the Ask Mr. Milo research staff has spent several days reviewing your request, we are unhappy to report that a search of both patents and commercial products has failed to uncover a product meeting your requirements. If the writer believes that such a product will have redeeming social value and is interested in conducting the primary investigative work, he or she is encouraged to apply for a grant through the Ask Mr. Milo Foundation. All grant applications must be received via email no later than March 24, 2006 and should reflect alignment with the Foundation's purpose. Recipients of the 2006 grants will be announced on the Ask Mr. Milo web page on April 1, 2006 by the Foundation's board.
Lastly, Mr. Milo suggests that the writer and his family obtain competent psychological counseling due to what appears to be an unnatural preoccupation with the subject matter.
Two Second Rule
Dear Mr. Milo:
I work as a food server and sometimes as a waiter at an upscale restaurant in the Philadelphia area. Recently I observed the chef accidentally drop an entree onto the floor while transferring it to a dinner plate. Instantly he picked it up, placed it on the grill for a few moments and then flipped it back onto the dinner plate. The chef, realizing that I had witnessed his actions with puzzlement, simply said “Two Second Rule”.
When does the Two Second Rule apply to food that has dropped onto the floor and is this rule always two seconds or are there three and four second rules?
Of note, the patrons were quite pleased with their dinner, which they described as especially flavorful.Puzzled
Dear Puzzled:
Do you know how pleased these patrons were with the Two Second Rule hours later when chances are they would be viewing their dinner a second time?
Mr. Milo and Mrs. Mr. Milo follow a zero second policy for food that drops onto their kitchen floor as they have three dogs and know too well where their canine charges may have stepped during their time outdoors.
Readers that obey the Two, Three and Four Second Rules are cautioned that they too may face unintended gastrointestinal consequences for such obedience.December 10, 2005
Nail Clipping on Southwest Flight 1280
Dear
Mr. Milo:
A few days ago, I was on a flight
from Oakland to Los Angeles in the very early morning. About 20
minutes into the flight, as I was dozing off, I heard a metallic click, followed
by another click. Instantly I knew that about two rows up, someone
was clipping their nails. I am not sure why, but I was thoroughly
disgusted and found the clipping noise to be extremely unsettling.
Why do I, as well as others, find public nail clipping so
revolting? What, if anything, can be done about this?
Revolted on Southwest Flight 1280
Dear
Revolted -
Personal grooming, such as nail clipping, is an act
that is rightfully best performed in the privacy of one’s home. The thought
that fingernails are being launched indiscriminately during the aforementioned
flight is enough to make even the normally nonplussed Mr. Milo nauseated. The
question of why the nail, prior to being clipped, when it is part of the whole
nail, is not disgusting, but when clipped becomes disgusting, is the subject of
further research. Ask Mr. Milo will provide a link to that research upon its
publication. Although no cure is available for compulsive public nail clipping,
those wishing assistance in curbing their urge to clip may wish to locate and
participate in self-help groups specific to this condition.
December 4, 2005
Honey Buns
Dear Mr. Milo:
Being a man you may be better equipped to answer this
question. I am a single woman in my very early 50's, youthful, relatively
attractive, yet I do not have a honey buns. Recently I noticed a very
attractive man in a bookstore, who seemed to be giving me the eye. I wanted to
grab him and take him home but I am pretty shy and my flirting tends to be
subtle and safe. What could I have done to give him the message? I was
interested without putting myself in an awkward position. Thanks for your
input.
Gitana
Mr. Milo only too well remembers the days when he did not have a honey buns and wishes to express his empathy to the plight so eloquently described in the above communication. As to the proper conduct when a woman wishes to communicate her interest in a man, the process is relatively simple since men are not complex creatures and most will take any opportunity to speak with a woman. Mr. Milo recommends the female of the species find an excuse to speak casually with the presumed gentleman and present him with a question or two. It is not too important what the question is, as the average male knows the true purpose of your query. Asking a question gives the male a chance to feel important and facilitates further communication. If you reach this stage, the next step is to prepare to laugh when the male makes a joke or attempts a witticism. Once you laugh, the male is hooked like a fish on a lure. Mr. Milo extends his best wishes to the writer and hopes that she finds success in her affairs of the heart.
Pray or Pay
Dear Mr. Milo:
The
other day I spotted the headline "Pentagon pays for good news stories in Iraq"
but initially I thought it said, "Pentagon prays for good news stories in
Iraq." Given the U.S.'s stated goals of promoting a democracy in Iraq (rather
than say a dictatorship or a theocracy) do you think it would have been a
greater or lesser lapse of judgment if the Pentagon had prayed rather than paid
for good news?
A Mildly Dyslexic
Reader
Mr. Milo notes that praying for good news is something most of us do and should not be confused with any issues concerning judgment or morals. There is nothing wrong with having expectations - even if they are not met. The practice of planting fabricated news stories continues to be made by this administration and their minions and is representative of their moral bankruptcy. Until the next election, we can only pray that their influence wanes and other more responsible leaders are able to wield more authority.
December 2, 2005
Traveling Dilemma
Dear Mr. Milo:
This is a dilemma I occasionally face while I am traveling. When I have to use a unisex bathroom, do I put the seat up or down when I leave? My wife says down, but I think it should always be up. It seems to me that more guys than ladies use road bathrooms.
Also, if you happen to notice that there aren't any paper towels left and you are wearing nice clothes, do you wash or not wash after using the toilet?
You have probably traveled plenty. What is the correct departure setting, and wash or no wash?
Axel
Springfield, Kansas
Dear Mr. Axel:
Mr. Milo has indeed
encountered the same situations during his extensive travels.
Regarding the toilet seat dilemma: Mr. Milo obtained
feedback from his staff as well as from Mrs. Mr. Milo. The proper
seat position is down unless you are certain the next restroom patron is of the
male gender. Mrs. Mr. Milo insists that many of the female
persuasion travel for work and the unisex road restrooms are seeing increased
usage by road warriors of the opposite sex.
Regarding wash/not wash: Mr. Milo believes there is NEVER an occasion where one should not thoroughly wash ones hands after use of the restroom. Lack of proper drying material or methods is no excuse. Mr. Milo travels with alcohol based hand sanitizers in plastic bottles and individual packets for just such occasions and recommends their use to the greater Ask Mr. Milo community. Mr. Milo is horrified that the writer even contemplates using the restroom without washing his or her hands afterwards.
Please note that the correct order of dealing with this dilemma is: 1) Use Restroom, 2) Lower Seat and 3) Wash hands.
**********
November 30, 2005
Pandowdies
Dear Mr. Milo:
I
have been known to make fruit crisps from time to time, usually apple
crisps, but occasionally pear or pear and apple
combined. It has been brought to my attention that
crisps are just one of many types of old-fashioned fruit desserts. I am
now wondering if it is O.K. to stick with crisps or if I need to expand
into the realm of pandowdies, buckles, and grunts in order to please my
dinner guests when I serve them fruit desserts. Please advise.
Mr. Milo fondly remembers enjoying a grunt several years ago during the holiday season. He encourages the writer to explore the aforementioned dessert options and believes that her guests will be more than pleased with her culinary explorations.
Social Quandary
Dear Mr. Milo:
When I am at the movies or other seated public events, I face a deeply perplexing problem of etiquette that I was hoping you could help me with. To get to my seat, I often have to squeeze by others who are seated in the same row. Is it more appropriate for me to present my butt or my genitals to the faces of those whom I must pass to get to my seat? You see, I am rather "endowed" in front and I do not want to intimidate the other patrons as I pass them by. I also have frequent struggles with the uncontrollable release of intestinal gas. The dilemma I face is whether I should face towards the seated patrons as I pass by (thereby exposing them to the likes of which they have never seen before and I do not want any of them to start hysterically screaming) or to risk the possibility of enveloping them with a noxious suffocating cloud of gas. I suppose I could bring a set of those paper face masks you get at the hardware store and pass them out to those seated in my row ahead of time, but frankly I think the seal of those masks is not very good.
God bless you for the fine work you are doing.
Perplexed
Indio, CA
Dear Perplexed:
Mr.
Milo acknowledges the tremendous suffering of the writer.
Fortunately products are available to assist the
rectally challenged and may be purchased at Flat D or
at Under Tec.
Use of these products may allow the writer to slide into the aisle
facing the movie screen with the quiet air of confidence needed to
enjoy the cinematic experience without causing unnecessary distress to
nearby movie patrons.
**********
Theory of Creation
Dear Mr. Milo:
What do you think of the concept of Intelligent Design.
Rev. Flapps, Antioch, CA
Dear Rev. Flapps:
Mr. Milo is surprised that the word “Intelligent”
has been accepted by the media when discussing the biblical concept of
creation. Proponents of the
biblical creation concept have successfully brought this term, which
Mr. Milo believes to be without merit, into the mainstream discussion.
This is surprising to Mr. Milo since it is well
known that such individuals have significantly smaller brain masses
than other humanoids. Mr.
Milo is a firm believer in evolution, however, due to the increasing
number of followers of the biblical concept of creation, he now wonders
why they have not been weeded out through natural selection and will be
questioning his own beliefs during his next meditative retreat.
**********
Stanley Williams Clemency RequestDear Mr. Milo:
Do you have an opinion on the Stanley Tookie Williams case?
Curious
Dear Curious:
Although Mr. Milo is a Renaissance Man in most respects, he recognizes that he is not a legal scholar and is unable to evaluate the merits of Mr. Williams’ clemency appeal to the California Governor. Mr. Milo does find it offensive that the media portray the individual convicted of four brutal murders as “Tookie”, as if he were a soft cuddly toy or pet.
Unhappy Reader
Dear Mr. Milo:
I have read your column for the last couple of days and it is really
just a bunch of crap.
Anonymous
Mr. Milo recognizes that his column is not for all individuals and reminds those who are offended by the material or find the column uninteresting that the column is not mandatory reading.
Third Person
Dear Mr. Milo:
Why do you always answer in the third person?
First Person
Mr. Milo recognizes two parties - the reader and Mr. Milo. Perhaps if someone assisted you in composing your letter, that might be the third person.
Dear Mr. Milo:
How can I get rid of a nosy neighbor? She waits for me to picck up my mail and then I have to talk to her whne I do not want to.
Mail Bagged
Los Gatos
Dear Mail Bagged:
Mr.
Milo generally only answers queries that have gone through spell check,
however, your question is of sufficient interest to warrant an answer
none-the-less.
Let me see if Mr. Milo understands the issue correctly - you “have to talk to her when I do not want to”? Mr. Milo wonders aloud who is forcing you to do something you apparently do not wish to do. Do you say “Yes” when you really mean “No”? “No” when you mean “Yes”? Although this may be difficult for you, Mr. Milo recommends speaking honestly about your feelings to your neighbor. If this task proves too daunting, you may wish to send your spousal unit to retrieve your postal correspondence until you have developed sufficient courage to overcome these fears.
Restaurant Dilemma
Dear Mr. Milo:
Recently, upon arrival at a restaurant where we had reservations, the table that we were waiting for was still being used by another couple. The wait staff pleasantly informed us that they should be leaving soon. Approximately 30 minutes later, the couple still had not left and clearly had no intentions of leaving. What are our options if we wish to dine at this particular location?
Puzzled
Danville, CA
Too often, individuals in this situation believe the situation is hopeless and wait interminably for the couple or party to leave. I have found that speaking with the party directly, but politely, informing them that their dining time slot had expired is often sufficient to provide the needed remedy. This simple communication is rarely used because Americans tend to avoid confrontation. I have found most parties are only too glad to accommodate my request. If this proves difficult for you to entertain, I recommend searching for and taking one of the many assertiveness training classes available in the greater San Francisco Bay area.
Dear Mr. Milo:
Are left overs really safe to eat on a regular basis? Are they nutritionally as good as freshly prepared food? What are the benefits to eating leftovers?
Concerned, Walnut Creek, CA
Dear Concerned:
Not only are left overs safe to eat, paradoxically, they are also nutritionally superior than freshly prepared foods. Most foods undergo a transitional phase during refrigeration where the enzymatic process breaks down food components into more digestible molecular segments. Furthermore, there is a well recognized positive energy associated with leftovers, reminiscent of the events from which the leftovers became available. Some refer to this as the positive "chi" or life force. Many practitioners of Gigong and Tai Chi encourage preparing larger than the immediately required amounts of food to take advantage of this chi force the following day. The following website specifically references the subject and provides pragmatic advice on maximizing the chi force.
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