2007 Archives
December 30, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
What do you know about the SWMD (Super Weapon of Mass Destruction), otherwise known as "El Destructo"? Here is the information I could gather: In 1996, recently released information shows that the Russians built a bomb much bigger than the, until now, largest bomb known to man. This bomb, built in 1961, was the 100 megaton Tsar Bomb. Their newest, even larger bomb, "El Destructo", was more than five times more powerful at 550 megatons (constructed in the former secret military base in Arzamas, Sarvo). Physicists concluded that if this bomb was launched from an elevation of 250 miles, it would generate sufficient energy to knock the earth out of its orbit. Not to a significant degree, but enough that in less than fifty years, it would completely change the Earth's climate, creating a second ice age.
"El Destructo" was so large that no airplane cold safely transport it, nor could a plane fly at a high enough altitude for it to be safely dropped. The bomb was deconstructed in Chelybinsk and the parts were dumped in surrounding lakes and rivers designated for the disposal of radioactive waste.
Brad M.
Dear Brad:
Mr. Milo has confirmed the following through filing a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request with the U.S. Dept. of Defense: The CIA code names for these poorly conceived devices were the Tsar Bomb and El Destructo respectively, as you have noted. No details were provided on the deconstruction of either weapon. One photo was provided of the Tsar Bomb, noted below.
The reply to our FOIA request also included information regarding a feasibility study being quietly conducted by the Bush Administration with Russia, China, India and Saudi Arabia to examine the use of controlled nuclear explosions in Antarctica to cause a sustained, but controlled Nuclear Winter to offset the effects of carbon based global warming.
Creating a controlled Nuclear Winter will permit the oil, coal and automobile industries to continue their business model in perpetuity, with minimal augmentation of the earth's temperature. There are significant technical, safety and political issues that must still be resolved before the feasibility study is completed in 2012.
Curieously, attempts to contact Administration officials for additional information were rebuffed, with the DOD stating that they would not assist us on what they labeled as a fission expedition.
December 16, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
How do you explain the Mitchell report on steroids and all the great athletes involved? Isn't baseball supposed to be our American pastime and drug free?
Dear Mr. Teroid:
Given that sports, as a microcosm of our society, reflects our obsession with drugs, it is unrealistic to expect baseball to be held to a higher standard. Many Americans interviewed after the report was issued did not seem to care about this scandal. Players named by Mitchell do care and have been quite vocal. Although Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens will fight for their reputations in court, it is doubtful that they will ever be in The Clear.
Drug use in baseball is old news. Some readers are aware that performance enhancing drugs
have been used in the sport since the 1920’s.
Ask Mr. Milo obtained
this 1931 photo from S. Hersh, a baseball archivist from Clyde,
California showing the Babe getting his monthly injection of performance
enhancing hormones. Secretes of the Pineal Gland
December 7, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
What disease will you get if the pineal gland does not produce one of its hormones?
George Bataille
Dear Mr. Bataille:
Melatonin, the only neuro-hormone secreted by the pineal gland, plays a crucial role in regulating our daily and seasonal circadian rhythms, along with the neurotransmitter serotonin. Alteration of circadian rhythms has been associated with affective disorders, psychosomatic diseases, cancer and other illnesses.
Insomnia related to melatonin deficiency is thought to be remedied through the use of over-the-counter melatonin products. Melatonin, however, is not available as a natural product, but must be synthesized from tryptophan, an essential amino acid. Metabolically, our bodies transform dietary tryptophan into melatonin.
Dietary sources of tryptophan may have unintended consequences affecting the public health. Many are unaware that high concentrations of tryptophan are found in lettuce. Studies confirm that eating as little as a half head of iceberg lettuce contains sufficient tryptophan to act as a powerful soporific. The U.S. Department of Transportation has become increasingly concerned about this silent hazard, and is working with the FDA to restrict the consumption of lettuce at restaurants adjacent to freeway on-ramps in an attempt to decrease accidents caused by sleep induced tryptophan ingestion.
Last March, the FDA proposed new regulations that would require placement of warning placards at restaurant salad bars stating, "Ingesting large quantities of green leafy vegetables may cause drowsiness. Use care when operating an automobile, heavy equipment or dangerous machinery." If the regulations are adopted, such signage must be placed in all restaurants beginning January 1, 2009. The FDA will be soliciting public input until February 15, 2008, should readers desire to register their opinion on this proposal.
November 17, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
Can you explain why the major automobile manufacturers have gotten into the bakery business? It is odd that they would move in a direction that is so distant from their core business.
Another perplexed reader
Dear Another:
Mr. Milo assumes that you are referring to the new "High Breads" - expensive loaves found in the bakery sections of local supermarkets.
As the automobile market in the U.S. wanes, auto manufacturers searched for other business opportunities and found that these High Breads sell well uniformly to all classes of consumers. In response, automakers have bought up brands such as Roman Meal, Wonder and Orowheat to establish an immediate, credible presence at supermarkets throughout the country.
Most automakers have done well in these ventures except for GM, which closed their failing bakeries several months ago. GM's PR office noted ryely that they could not continue financially unless they were glutens for punishment.
"No matter how you slice it, Americans seem to have a true loaf affair with these new products," summed up Ford Motor Co. spokesman, Peter Brehd.
Load Shifting is Plane Common Sense
October 21, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
Recently I was on an early morning flight on a Boeing 737. There were only a very small number of passengers that day and the flight attendants asked some of us not to change seats and moved others to a different aisle and side.
Isn't the 737 heavy enough that passenger load balancing is not really required? How could moving a few passengers around make any difference?
Troy A. Voirdupois
Dear Mr. V:
According to a commercial pilot that is a friend of this website, such shifting is most often due to what is already loaded in the forward and aft cargo holds. Airline load planners are vigilant about changes in the center of gravity of the aircraft in order to prevent tail strikes (see photo below) when taking off and landing, hence the occasional request as noted above.
The reason for these last minute requests, is that on the scale of difficulty, it is far more efficient to move people than to move bulky cargo to meet departure schedules. In the uncommon instance that load balancing is required, passenger movement is the weight to go.
October 1, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I keep getting picked on at my high school and I don't know what to do. I have been threatened, called names and have been talked about. What should I do?
J.H.
Dear J.H.:
Unwelcome teasing is not to be tolerated at any level in school. Mean spirited actions should be reported to your parents who can discuss the situation with you and help decide what action is to be taken. Although overcoming this problem can be a taunting task, it is worth pursuing.
A great deal of useful information for students, teachers and parents can also be found at BullyStoppers, a website created by a school counselor who has assisted students dealing with this problem.
September 27, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
In response to S.O.'s (aka Tattle Tail) comments - Although some may agree with S.O.'s comments, there is another camp of individuals who may feel that the SBD (Silent but Deadly) effect may be warranted. Some folks may not want to be notified of this horrid situation. Ignorance can be bliss or a load of you know what.
Quite Peturded
Comment on this colunn's response to Quite Perturd-ed's letter dated September 17th:
Dear Mr. Milo:
Your response to QP was way off the mark! I sure hope the woman was not riding in your car. She should have been advised immediately and sent to the restroom BEFORE she sits down or gets into her own vehicle or anyone else's. She will be grateful for the tip off. Her clothes may be saved from nasty smears and she would be mortified to leave a smelly reminder behind. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? I hope that you would appreciate the opportunity to clean up! You missed the boat Mr. Milo.
S.O. (aka Tattle Tail)
Dear S.O.:
Our staff has reviewed your response and agrees that both notification and clean-up must be immediate, followed by proper handwashing using the protocol dictated by the United States Center for Disease Control and Prevention.
September 17, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
My girlfriends and I frequently dine at elite five star restaurants and enjoy idle chats. I must admit, sometimes the food is on the rich side, resulting in many of us alternating in visits to the loo.
During one of these meals, a friend returned from a prolonged water closet visit. All of us sympathized with her experience, possibly due to a "rich" experience in fine dining, when she returned from the restroom. As we were exiting the restaurant, I was astonished to see an inch long turd sticking to her lower back pant leg. (Mind you, she was wearing expensive jeans).
I was speechless. I could not stop to think whether I should have pointed out the brownish substance on her expensive jeans. What is the correct etiquette in this situation? Am I to turn my dirty cheek away from this occurrence or was I to lay "crap" on her about this embarrassing moment?
Your insight is appreciated.
Quite Perturded
Dear QP:
The correct response depends on whether the lady in question is going directly home or is moving on to another engagement. If the former, the proper action is to inform her that she has poop on her pants and that she should go home immediately and remove the offending material. If the latter, the proper action is to inform her that she has poop on her pants and that she should go home immediately, remove the offending material, then move on to her next engagement.
September 12, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
Regarding the Senator Craig debacle:
"The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the left side of my left foot, which was within my stall area, " the officer's report said. When the police interviewed Craig later, the senator said that "I have a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's.
I can only hope that the stalls at your offices can accommodate a "wide stance" and are compliant with all state and federal regulations. Please plan for inspections accordingly and ensure that all employees are familiar with the secret foot taps and their meanings.
Frank Corydon
Dear Mr. Corydon:
Visitors to One Ask Mr. Milo Plaza can be assured that all of our restrooms meet or exceed local health and safety codes and provide adequate privacy for all occupants. Stall width is a standard thirty six inches and invokes overhead bracing for increased strength and stability. It is likely that the Senator would not find our facilities conducive for his purposes, as stall walls extend floor to ceiling, negating opportunities for direct stall-to-stall communication. Commented one European after hearing of the Senator's troubles, "You're a nation that is way too preocupied with bathroom activities."
Readers are encouraged to review the rules of public bathroom decorum, which can be found at the International Center for Bathroom Etiquette (ICBE), to ensure their behavior is not inadvertently misconstrued. Those more confident in their knowledge may wish to take the Bathroom Etiquette Quiz. The exam is straightforward and all answers are fully explained on the post exam web page.
Additional information on bathroom protocols from an international perspective can be found at the World Toilet Organization (WTO). The WTO sponsors World Toilet Day each November 19th and organizes the annual World Toilet Summit.
August 21, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
The media is full of the problems of quality control and outright fraud pertaining to goods and food from China. Now I read that China is the largest exporter of shellfish in the world. Is Chinese shrimp safe to eat? How can I protect my family from these invisible threats?
C. Urtchyn
Dear. Ms. Urtchyn:
China employs genetically engineered shrimp and mollusks to clean up their rivers and bays. Not intended for human consumption, these specially designed organisms filter out and concentrate otherwise lethal quantities of heavy metals. The shrimp thrive until the shell and meat content of heavy metals rival that of mined ore. At that point, they are harvested and carefully transported to smelters for processing into lead, copper, mercury and arsenic.
Unscrupulous growers have been known to ship toxic crustaceans to global food markets when pricing is favorable. At first, rumors of such acts were considered a lot abalone, until testing proved otherwise. Unfortunately, legitimate shrimp farmers have been hurt by the shellfish acts of a few.
Alert consumers can avoid becoming a prawn of the global marketplace by learning to accurately identify toxic shrimp. Upon cooking, if the shells become a uniform pink, red or deep orange and if the meat turns white, the shrimp should be immediately discarded or returned to their place of purchase.
Father Away From Reason
July 25, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I have recently discovered that a friend of mine claims to be the father of Mr. Milo. He can be extremely difficult at times. How do I deal with him?
JG
Dear JG:
The most effective approach to dealing with Mr. Milo's Father, after he makes his usual pronouncements on the state of the world, politics or business, is to simply state, with the genuine, heartfelt sincerity, as if one might be a minister or clergyman, "My god, Mr. Milo's Father, you are absolutely correct. I am truly blessed to be in your company and to be able to receive your incredible insight, analysis and wisdom on this most complex of subjects."
This method rarely fails to work. However, if it does not work, Mr. Milo has found that letting Mr. Milo's Father win a hand or two at poker often provides a similar outcome.
If those methods prove unsatisfactory, JG is encouraged to expeditiously obtain the services of a competent psycho-therapist in a last, desperate measure of self preservation, much like Mr. Milo has done.
July 18, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
As an Iraqi living in the United States, I am both puzzled and disgusted by the mismanaged war policy. Polls indicate that most Americans are dissatisfied with the Bush adventure in my country. Why then does he risk losing his party's ability to control power after the 2008 elections by insisting "we can win"?
Feyn al Haman
Dear Mr. Feyn al Haman:
To make sense of the situation, it is useful to remember that Bush is not a man of reason, otherwise there is no explanation for his bizarre behavior regarding the war and other important issues. When it comes to Iraq, he is one of the few that does not see that he is in deep Shite. How else, despite the daily horrific news on the war, could he maintain such a Sunni disposition on the war's eventual outcome?
This state of affairs is that much Sadr as this blood Baath continues, since there is not the remotest chance that he Kurd be right.
July 5, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
Why has Arugula become so trendy?
Ralph Radiccio
Dear Ralph:
Arugula, noted for its exceptionally long white beaches and temperate climate, is a Caribbean island that is only now becoming popular with the opening of its new airport that accommodates large commercial jets. Arugula still romaines one of the least expensive of island resorts, but that is expected to change as tourism increases. Butterhead, its most prominent landmark at 2,316 feet, provides an unobstructed panorama of the entire island. Hikers find the gentle trail to the top easy to navigate and the resulting view well worth the effort. In addition to its beauty, epicureans rave about the local cuisine. Especially popular is the rocket fish, which is chard to perfection in specially designed fire pits.
In terms of small islands that are just now exploring ways to boost their economy through tourism, Arugula is just the tip of the iceberg.
June 30, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
The lack of rainfall here in Northern California has renewed our interest in conserving water, especially as it relates to landscaping our home. For instance, we are trying to think of ways that will prevent us replacing grass with drought resistant plants if at all possible. Any suggestions?
Martin Fescue
Dear Mr. Fescue:
Ideas to keep grass green during times of minimal rainfall are much sod after by landscape architects and grounds keepers here in California, but short of using AstroTurf, there are few options. Mower over, since grass is simply not a realistic option in arid or semi-arid locations, weed recommend that you hedge your bets by replacing grass with drought resistant plants as you note in your letter. Unfortunately, such action will only hasten a lawn goodbye.
**********
June 11, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo
We live near a stream and listen to frogs every evening. Here is the pattern - lots of croaking, then they all stop at the same time or close to it. Then a couple of minutes later, one frog croaks, then another, and within a few seconds they are all at it again.
1. What makes them all stop at about the same time?
2. What starts them up again?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled:
Although frogs utilize language to communicate, it is their intricate social structure, which develops as they intermingle as tadpoles, which is the base from which frog behavior can be best understood. During this time, tadpoles develop strong personal bonds with their brothers and sisters which are maintained throughout adulthood. We witness these mature relationships during the evening hours as adult frogs call to each exchanging information about the day's events. Later in the season, their calling is used to attract mates from other sections of a pond or stream.
Unfortunately, it is these same songs that also identify frogs to their natural predators - birds, snakes, raccoons, lizards and even some fish. These animals generally hunt at night while frogs are at the peak of their vocalizing. When a frog is consumed by a predator, the word is communicated quickly through a unique series of frog cries. These "announcements" are followed by a two minute period of mourning that commences in unison, serving to both honor their comrade's croaking, as well as to provide each frog with a minute of quiet meditation and self reflection.
During these quiet periods naturalists have advised us to display a modicum of respect by refraining from making unnecessary noise until the frogs renew their chorus.
May 28, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
What would be the proper way to phrase a memo to our employees that the water mains are shut off and restrooms are not available?
Patrick
Dear Mr. Patrick:
Mr. Milo thought that only newspaper advice columnists received nuisance letters, but apparently even Ask Mr. Milo is not immune to the occasional hosing.
May 20, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I remember as a child that my parents and grandparents referred to ordinary bath towels as "Turkish" towels. I'm wondering why what we know today as terry cloth towels were called that? Were there once towels of other nationalities? How did the Turks corner the market on American bath accessories? Did I miss the strong embrace of "Greek" towels as a young boy? Will I never know the warmth of a "Brazilian" towel? Please answer promptly, as I'm losing sleep over this conundrum.
Regards,
Bath House Bob
Dear Mr. Bob:
Today's Turkish towel is the product of the Ottoman Turks' introduction in the 1600's, of a unique weave that created extra loops in an otherwise flat fabric. The extra loops, or "pile", resulted in a product that was exceptionally absorbent. These water retention qualities were further enhanced through the use of native, high quality Turkish cotton.
The writer missed little from either Greece or Brazil, although Brazilian cotton makes an adequate towel. Greece is better known as the birthplace of towel snapping. Although the Greeks dominated the sport for decades, today they face stiff competition from a resurgent Russian team. In addition, for the first time, the United States will field a team in international competition. American athletes will meet this fall at the 2007 Gainesville Invitational, which will also serve as a qualifying event. Top finishers will become members of Ask Mr. Milo Team America and compete in Beijing during the 2008 Summer Olympics.
For less experienced players, the proper technique is outlined below:
1. Slightly twist a lightly dampened, standard 22" x 44" locker room towel.
2. Grasp the towel between the thumb and forefinger of your dominant hand.
3. Place the hand tight against the chest.
4. Whip the towel forward, keeping most of the movement in the wrist, aiming the towel tip at the intended target. Accuracy is critical or the towel will not snap.
5. Draw the towel back a millisecond before the precise moment of target impact.
6. A snapping sound is indicative of proper technique.
Application forms for the Invitational are available at REI, The Sports Authority and Big 5, as well as through the Ask Mr. Milo web site.
A Most Charmin Letter
May 11, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
It has recently come to my attention that a silent, but deadly debate is brewing, literally in the bowels of our great nation. I speak of course, of none other than the Great American Toilet Paper Debate (www.thegreatamericantoiletpaperdebate.com). This seemingly side-splitting controversy has drained the nation of energy and the ‘hangs-in-the-front’ vs. the ‘hangs in the back’ division is now more polarized than ever. Simply put, there is no middle ground.
Several years ago, Ask Mr. Milo, Inc. created a task force to examine all aspects of toilet paper tissue dispensing. That group found that the solution to the situation described by Mr. Wonderer was surprisingly simple - the vertical toilet paper dispenser. With an upright position, roll appearance is essentially the same no matter which way it is placed. We are confident that use of a high quality, quilted product, along with a vertical dispenser, will faciliate the taking of many a good sheet.
**********
Dinar Party?May 3, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
During a discussion of the three major Iraqi internal factions, we got off on a side track that we are hoping you can help us settle. I say that Iraq and Iran are part of Asia, but my husband says they are part of the Middle East. Who is right? I've got $25 on this one.
S. O.
Dear S:
Geographically, Iraq and Iran are part of Western Asia. Geo-politically, the Middle East is the general term used to describe the countries of Southwest Asia and North East Africa. From a strcitly continental perspective, you are correct. However, unless the question posed is defined more precisely, you stand on sheiky ground and may have difficulty collecting your mullah.
Dear Mr. Milo:
My wife and I had dinner recently with some Brits and the topic turned to traveling in Europe.
Rana T.
Of the several theories on why the British refer to their
salientian friends in this manner, only one is credible.
There are still those that believe otherwise concerning the origin of why the Brits call the French frogs, however, they are simply wrong, toadally wrong.
**********
Angry porcupine can be a real prick
April 14, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I was recently received a forwarded email with a picture of a bull terrier that
got into a fight with a porcupine. The bull terrier received over 1,300 quills
to his head and upper body.
Thank you for your time.
Mitchell S.
Portland, OR
Dear Mr. S:
Porcupines are members of the rodent family and are generally docile creatures. Their barbed spines, numbering around 30,000, cover most of their body. These bristles are actually stiff, mostly hollow hairs with barbed tips. Used only to defend themselves, the spines are released when the porcupine backs toward an attacker and lashes out with its tail. The recipient’s body heat expands the embedded barbs making removal difficult. Death from a porcupine encounter is rare, but has occurred.
Commercially, porcupines were hunted in the early 1800's for their musk glands, which, when ingested, had a significant soporific effect. Eventually the responsible component was identified and manufactured synthetically. Today, the Vicks company still uses this ingredient in its Ny-Quill brand of cough and cold remedies.
Saturn Wrings
Headlines from Bizarre Cloud Formation
April 7, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I am fascinated by the recent articles about the huge
hexagonal cloud formation on Saturn. But I have yet to read any explanation for
this phenomenon, nor an account of what it portends for those of us on this
planet. For instance, is it an evil eye from another universe? I hope you
can elucidate.
An Earthling, watching the signs from
heaven
The hexagonal cloud formation on Saturn is unnerving to
humans who tend to believe that nature does not create objects with straight or
angular lines. In actuality, such lines are commonly seen in snow
crystals, as well as in larger geologic formations prior to undergoing the effects of
erosive forces.
Caused by a collision with a gigantic asteroid, the unusual cloud has been visible from Earth for over twenty years. Upon its discovery, astronomers were prepared to write the planet's orbituary. Now we know that damage to Saturn's surface was minimal and the event may actually portend well for the planet's crater good.
**********Film Lover Has Scene Reel Trauma
April 4, 2007
We have a friend who selects movies for viewing based on the Internet Movie
Data Base (IMDB) rating. On the other hand, I utilize many sources,
including the New York Times, Ebert and Roeper, as well as other newspaper film
critics. To me, IMDB’s ratings mean little, they are just general ratings
from the movie going public – with as much credence as those that vote for
American Idol.
I won't even begin to tell you
about the movie (City of Lost Children
How can I convince him to reach
for the stars in terms of movie reviews and that those IMDB ratings only represent
the opinions of the “Average Joe?”
Film Lover
You have my deepest sympathies, as
the only thing worse than a bad movie, is a bad movie with subtitles, as is the
case with City of Lost Children
**********
Subprime Mortgages Earn Unexpected National Interest
March 24, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I operate a small town credit union and have become concerned of late due to
the many articles about foreclosures in the subprime mortgage market. Is
this something we need to be anxious about or is this really a whole lot of
nothing?
George Bailey
Dear Mr. Bailey:
These deceptive contracts target less creditworthy individuals who have little
ability to comprehend the mortgage agreements they have signed. Overtime,
these homeowners found they cannot pay the new, larger payments, which has
resulted in a large number of foreclosures. If this situation is not contained,
one can bank on the future weakening of our financial markets, especially in
these lien times.
A few U.S.
Catechismic
Coincidence?
March 5, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I read with great interest the SF Chronicle article about
the apparition of the Virgin Mary.
I had
not planned on telling anyone the following, but reading the article about your
experience has given me courage to do so.
While
playing carroms with a friend this past Friday night I saw what I
first thought was a vision of a thumb in the grain of
the plywood on his side of the board.
Upon closer inspection, I recognized it as the Virgin Mother, herself.
Coincidence? I think not.
Sincerely,
C. Clyde
Dear C. Clyde:
The increase in sightings is not happenstance. Competition for the world’s six billion souls
is fierce and sightings are expected to increase as world tensions escalate.
Mohammed and Moses were unable to forge similar agreements. Allah’s advisors urged him to go direct instead of using Mohammed’s likeness – which is why we do not see Mohammed imagery. Instead, Allah displays his name in Arabic script in cloud formations, a plant or on fruit. The campaign has been relatively ineffective since it is limited to where Arabic script can be understood.
In the case of Moses, his agent Shmendrek, mistakenly held out for more compensation up front, believing the Apocalypse was near. God knew the event was scheduled thousands of years later and wouldn’t front end the contract. Shmendrek’s inability to reach an agreement for Moses is considered one of the greatest contract failures in history.
**********
Scooter on Razor Thin Ice
February 25, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
I am sure that you are following the trial of I. Lewis
(Scooter) Libby and are aware that the jury is still deliberating. If he is found guilty, do you believe he will
receive a pardon from President Bush?
Ms. J. Miller
If Libby is convicted, Bush will undoubtedly pardon
him. To think otherwise would be just
Plame foolishness.
Question About Lenten Observance Resurrected
February 7, 2007
I
am a not-so-devout Catholic, but I do observe Lent - which starts in
two weeks. Last year I gave up latte’s, even though I
only drink them on Saturday’s. A
co-worker teases me stating that giving up my once a week habit is
hardly a
Christ-like sacrifice. Do you believe this
is a sufficient sacrifice for Lent?
Saint Monica
Mr. Milo confesses that he is unable to discern whether your
sacrifice is sufficient, as each individual decides if their practice of
abstinence meets the intention of Lent. If you have entertained doubts about whether omitting a weekly latte is adequate;
you are encouraged to speak with your parish priest. In the long run, the risk of a less than sincere
sacrifice will be your cross to bear.
This year, be sure to order your Easter mints early. Our newly designed tin is sure to be collectible and the mints are guaranteed breath saviors.
Well Heeled Owner Neglects Canine Education
January 31, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
Why do dogs yawn? Our
dogs yawn when they are lying down, when we watch TV, when I pet them – they seem
to yawn all the time.
Rex Plaidehd
Dear Rex:
Imagine you're a dog in your
own home. You are stuck in a confined space all day. Your
owner comes home and spends hours staring at a TV or at a
computer screen.
The highlight of your day is food
falling on the
floor or on a good day, being tossed a stuffed animal to destroy. Of course your dogs yawn, they are bored to tears.
Have
you encouraged your dogs to take classes to better
themselves? Some understanding owners have invested in their pets'
education. As a result, we are seeing more dogs with drivers
licenses while others are able to read books in their spare time.
Plate Licker Asked to Hold Her Tongue
January 24, 2007
I consider myself to be happily
married, but find that I am increasingly annoyed by my wife's occasional poor
table manners. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes she will pick up her plate
and lick it. She even did this recently
at some friends’ home while they were in the kitchen preparing dessert.
While I appreciate that she enjoys the dinners I prepare, it is still somewhat
shocking when she puts her fork down to lift and lick her plate. My suggestions
that she sop the juice up with bread, or at least use a spoon is met with
protests that I'm "bossy... controlling...obsessed with petty bourgeois
etiquette...and can't relax."
Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this annoying problem?
In Love But Disgusted
Many across our nation would treasure a partner who keeps
their tongue in top notch physical condition through such exercise. The occasional embarrassment that ILBD
suffers is hopefully compensated for in other not-so-public ways.
- Do you lose time from work due to plate licking?
- Is plate licking making your home life unhappy?
- Have you ever felt remorse after plate licking?
- Do you plate lick alone?
- Is plate licking affecting your reputation?
Ultimately, only your wife can decide if she has a plate licking problem and whether she wants to do something about it. Know that help is available.
January 17, 2007
Dear Mr. Milo:
My husband and I were startled this morning to read in the San Francisco Chronicle that The Milo Foundation is quitting its Berkeley pet rescue operations due to complaints from neighbors. Details of the story, with stark details of complaints, including "excrement on the sidewalk and the pervasive smell of urine" can be found at SFGATE. Mr. Milo, can you assure us in all truth that this perhaps well-meaning, but stinky Berkeley operation is not connected with you?
We know we live in a country with a justice system premised on innocent until proven guilty, but we are dizzy from all the circumstantial evidence that points to a link between you and the Berkeley operation.
We hope you can quickly reply so our troubled hearts can rest again.
Some Worried Bay Area Fans
Dear Some:
The readership will be relieved to know that The Milo Foundation has no relationship with Ask Mr. Milo, The Ask Mr. Milo Foundation or any of our subsidiaries. Although legal action has been taken to prevent the unauthorized use of the Milo name, a court date has yet to be set for resolution of this conflict.
It is pity that this party did not avail themselves of one of our pragmatic premium pet products, the previously patented purple plastic Pooch Poop Pouch ™ (available at pet supply stores nationwide) to facilitate cleaning up after their charges. All may not be lost on this beleaguered, but altruistic group, as a concert fund raiser is planned that will be headlined by rap star Poop Dog.
As they vacate their Berkeley premises, we can only hope that the referenced side walk excrement is not trod upon, as such actions will likely result in a most unfortunate smear campaign.
January 11, 2007
I hold a highly visible public office and will be sitting for my portrait in May of this year. This painting will be hung in a prominent location and is likely to be seen by many in this country. Unfortunately, I find my hands stained bright red with blood. Do you have any suggestions on how to wash the blood off my hands? In spite of the resources available to me, nothing has helped, so I have turned to you, Mr. Milo.
Thank you.
GW Bush
Mr. Milo prides himself on solving most any challenge presented, but finds your request particularly vexing. Unless you are able to bring back to life the hundreds of thousands of people that have died due to your policies and actions, the stains on your hands are permanent.
December 29, 2006
Dear Mr. Milo:
Now we are in winter and time appears to have slowed down again, except for the period between Thanksgiving and New Years. Why does Summer pass so quickly, yet winter seems to never end?
Robin Canicule
Dear Ms.
Canicule:
The perception
that Summer passes more quickly than winter originates
from the pineal gland’s response to light.
In Summer, the additional daylight hours stimulate the pineal causing
increased
melatonin secretion. Melatonin directly
affects time perception as mediated by the Somatosensory Cortex and the
Corpus
Callosum. Although the seasons are
essentially the same length, the effect of the daylight induced Summer
melatonin
surge results in the sense that time periods of increased sunlight pass
more
quickly.
Individuals that ingest melatonin supplements on a regular basis as a sleep aid live in a constant melatonin cascade, resulting in the eventual atrophying and calcification of the pineal gland. If the pineal gland does not produce melatonin when the supplements are stopped, an individual may retain the innate feeling that time is slowing down. An anecdotal report in the March 24, 2003 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, references a patient with a melatonin overdose reporting that time had stood still. Although melatonin is available without prescription, it is highly recommended that individuals seek competent allopathic medical care before taking or stopping melatonin supplements.
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